The Forest Legacy 9.2 -- "NETT'S FREAKEN TAKEN OVER PEOPLE! GIRD YOUR LOINS!!" Edition

simsforaranya was all OMG SO MANY UPDATES BAAAH I AM UNMOTIVATED! And so bondchick_nett from fightocrime said "DUDE I WILL DO A GUEST UPDATE FOR YOU!" and Rachel said "LOL" and Nett said "LOL" and lo, it was good:


We open this sunny little update in the home of the Forests with the gorgeously named Carmen (WORK, CARMEN'S PARENTS!) standing where all great realisations and epiphanies are made: The Bathroom. This is NOT A DRILL PEOPLE, she's having the baby thoughts and the baby vomiting: this is performance night and she's entering, stage left..!


Seamus and Gardenia busy themselves with being FABULOUSLY attentive grandparents and rob us all of toddler table spam ;_; Uh.. I mean, AWESOME WORK MOLDING THE MINDS OF FUTURE GENERATIONS, GUISE!


Harry! WTH?! I WANT TODDLER TABLE! I don't get it in my game cause I cannot has the Freetime (and ain't THAT the truth lawls) so why are you robbing Isaac of his arts and crafts hour? Are you scared of all the times his eyes glass over and he crayola's the future? I'm sure it can only be crayolas of grilled cheese and generation 10. Can't be THAT detrimental!

Toddler table time? Please? Prease? Pls? Ploise? Ploix?



WELL FINNNNNNNE! I guess I can be happy with SUPER MEGA ADORABLE SHINY APARTMENT LIFE TODDLER INTERACTION SPAM...! ENGAGE!!!





PEEEKABOOO I SEE YOUOOOOOUUOUUUOOUU!! :D

Okay so you think the toddler spam is over!!? YOU HAVE NOT BEGUN TO KNOW OVER! RELEASE THE LITTLE WIGGLY SPRING RIDE-ON SPRING TOY THINGER..! This thing is in no way an early childhood training device for parents to slyly teach their offspring the skills they'll need to further the legacy. Nopes. Not at AAAALLLLLL...!





Ishmael wishes he was on the Little Wiggly Spring Ride-On Spring Toy Thinger™ He's being done out of heir advantage, and he KNOWS it.



See? FAVOURITISM! NO SCREEN TIME FOR YOU, ISHMAEL! *cues african american acapella singing foursome* ♫ ooOoOOoH THIS ISSSSSS IIIIISSAAAAAC'S TIiiIIiIiiIiiIiIiImmMmMmmMmmee...! ♫



Harry: Cooochie cooochie cooooo..! I SEE YOOOooOOoOOOoOouU, BABY!



Carmen: Uh, NO YOU CAN'T, you're not even looking up through the right direction. Have you been mainlining crack again? That's NOT good for the baby.... WAIT! O_O *gasps* DO YOU HAVE X-RAY VISION AND YOU'VE BEEN HOLDING OUT ON ME ALL THIS TIME?! *outrage*
Harry: It's alright darling, you've always been completely beautiful stark naked. *gropes breast*

Okay so that might not be how those last two shots went down, but that's much better than claiming Harry is inept and accidentally stabbed his wife in the eye whilst gesticulating wildly at a foetus that can't even see his erratic hand motions, Y/Y?!



Awwww, say it with flowers Harry, and you're forgiven every time. Well, except for if you're eyeball-cheating and looking at other women without their clothes on. Then no amoount of flowers on this EARTH will make it okay. JUST SO YOU KNOW *veiny eyeball*



*gets that african american acapella group out again* ITS STILL IIIIIISAAAAAC'S TIIiIIiIiiiIimMmMME..! LOOK AT HIM SLEEeeEeeEEEPING, STIiIIiLLL..!



AGE TRANSITIONS! WE CAN HAS THEM..! ARE YOU PREPARED?!



Isaac :D



Ishmael! He's trying to mix it up a little by giving himself a bit of a happy-go-lucky punk-fad edge. You WORK THAT BEANIE, ISHMAEL! ♥



It's baby time! SPOTLIGHT, CENTRE STAGE CARMEN! *shakes maracas*

ALSO! its like six photos in or something, no birthing cliffhangers for THIS update :D



ITS A GIRL! Isis, as in the goddess Isis, not Is Is. Which would be weird. And not at all godly. Poor Ishmael, not only does he have to contend with a lime-light stealing pre-cog, now his infant sister is an egyptian goddess reborn. ITS OKAY ISHMAEL, YOU GET TO HAVE AN ELICIT AFFAIR WITH AN ENORMOUS WHALE AND A BEARDED MAN NAMED AHAB. That's pretty epic! :D



Where were we? Oh yes! Isis, she is ADORABLE and has the piercing blue eyes of gorgeousness :D



I'm assuming Carmen heard Seamus calling her and her goddess child 'Demon Spawn Harlots from Mars,' because it was time for a star-inducing headslap.

Carmen? He's an old man and he's just crushing on you hard core. Its like when you're a little kid and some guy likes you but he doesn't understand how to deal with his emotions. So he pulls your pigtails and makes you eat a lot of sand. Sand is full of trace elements, microscopic protein-filled creatures and is a good exfoliant -- so it is a kind of love? Stop trying to beat up your father-in-law. K?



Seamus: YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR MY SON, AND YOU NEVER WILL BE, YOU SKANKY BIMBO!! I love you please forgive me?



Small twin boys = Musical Genius WIN!



Carmen: *feeds Isis invisible milk*
Isis: *magically filled with invisible sustenence*



MUSIC IS AWESOME, JUST ASK THE FOREST WIVES! They're breeding child prodigies and shaking what their mothers gave them in each other's general directions. Since Gardenia totally has loads of bolting in Carmen's direction she's obviously worked out a way to bump and grind that Seamus can only dream he thought of. Poor Seamus, missing out on wiggly daughter-in-lawly woman bits.



Isis: HI MUM! THIS IS SO AWESOME, WATER! I LOVE IT! WATER WATER WATER.. What is this? A spoon? O_O;;

Awww, Isis discovers the joy of being bathed in a kitchen sink ♥



Ishmael: AYE, AYE, CAPTAIN AHAB! ENORMOUS DICK NAMED MOBY, OFF THE PORT BOOOOOOOW! SAVVY!?!?!



STINKY SKUUUUUuuUuuUUuUuuNK! He just wants to be loved, Pepe Style.

In the thumbnail I thought that the path was this enormous manly skunk pheremone. I am sad that it's a path. *weeps* My sadness means I'm not even noting that Harry is completely playing favourites, again.



Ishmael sees his opportunity to off his current competition. And fails. Doesn't have that killer instinct, and that's why he wears the emo beanie.



BIRTHDAY TIME!! Time to reveal The Tiny Goddess: The Toddler Years.

The rest of the male side of the Forest family are freaken excited, ARE YOU?!

ADORABLE!

Because its the closest he'll ever get to Carmen apart from kicking her arse in attempts to touch her wherever he can, Seamus once again harnesses his UberGramp and teaches Isis how to walk. He shall have a special place at her side in heaven after the apocalypse. He shall not be forgot!



Seamus: Honey? Do you ever think your mummy could really love me? Grampa loves her very much? What are your thoughts?
Isis: Grandfather, I love you very much and have empowered me with the ability to stand. But with my mother? No chance you have.
Seamus: *crestfallen*



Carmen: Can you see through Safari Suits?
Harry: ;O Its not made of lead, woman! O_O



Ishmael, still trying to prove his heir-like worth. Gardening to show how amazing his fertilisation stylings are. You're not in the zone, Ishmael. You're not fooling ANYONE.



Picturesque photograph of a gracefully aging couple who are very much truly, deeply still in love?

SUBTEXT: They're both thinking of Carmen to get the juices to flow like Niagra..!



Seamus got to see Carmen naked and didn't know where to look?



NOPE! T'was a potty training face! Awwww! He's such a good goddess preparer.



YES! I knew simsforaranya wouldn't leave me high and dry. TODDLER TABLE SPAM! Now fortified with GODDESSES!





I'm sad it's over too, Isis. ;_;



Ishmael: Did you put toffee on the firepole?! I DON'T WANT TO BE STUCK HERE FOREVER TO DIE IN THE ELEMENTS! The skunk will eat my eyeballs and shove them down his pants so the LadyCats will love him more. Why would you do this to me, brother?! *weeps*
Isaac: *poker face*



More spammage featuring Isaac the beloved, and his little sister, Goddess Isis.

She might be destined to be worshipped as the ideal mother and wife, patron of nature and magic; friend of slaves, sinners, artisans, the downtrodden, as well as listening to the prayers of the wealthy, maidens, aristocrats and rulers. But she's still three years old and so is struck with AMAZEMENT when her brother disappears before her eyes. WHERE DID HE GO!?



THERE HE IS! So super sly!



Isis: OH THANK GOD I MISSED YOU WHERE DID YOU GO!?



Isaac: D'awwwwww. Aren't you a cute goddess of the lambs? *pulls pigtails*

YES SHE IS! *in love*



Carmen's tips for advanced sexy times: It's important to limber up before entering one's bed. When one's husband has x-ray vision, it also does not matter what kind of clothing you're wearing. He's already got an eyefull and then some.



BACK TO THE GODDESS AND GOOD SON SPAM! :D



Wow, so sorry that your three year old little sister's conversational stylings aren't advanced enough for you, Isaac. Unrealistic expectations much? Its not her fault you glued the only person who you could connect with on an intellectual level to a firepole outside to die of exposure. You made your bed. LIVE WITH IT.



Isaac: *sucks it up and makes the most of it*



Carmen teaches Isis all about the wonders of invisible milk nutrient supplement with a pat-a-cake game. Its AMAZING what you can sell to tiny impressionable minds with verse! :D



UPGRADES! Isis is introduced to bathing in a REAL bath instead of the kitchen sink. Moving on up in the world, tiny deific one! :D



CUDDLES! Oh man, Isis is nothing but a bundle of squeaky clean love, Y/Y?!



ITS THE JOLLY GREEN GIANT!

Oh wait no... xD Its a warlock! I have no idea what his name is. All I know is he's old and he enjoys potty humour.



Potty humour turns Carmen on!



ALLLL THE WAY ON..!



Carmen WORKS the updo evil witchiness! LOOKING SEXY HONEY! And now whenever Seamus tries to push her down in the sandpit she can smote ruin upon his pants :D



WHY IS THIS SCREENSHOT HERE!? Did we do a flashback? Did Carmen miss her sons being toddlers and so decided to age them down with her magical prowess because she secretly love having a critical mass of toddler poop in the house? O_O;; I'm pretty sure Ishmael is still stuck to the fire pole so that can't be it...

*PERPLEXED*



DOUBLE DOUBLE, TOIL AND TROUBLE.....!



Fire burn tree pretty and CAULDRON BUBBLE..!

Holy crap, HARRY! LOOK OUT! Next she'll be getting you to off the King and screaming about bloody hands and the fact that even windex can't get that last lingering blemish from her fingers.



While her offspring are at school, Carmen harnesses her inner twisted stepford wife and spends the day cooking up evil for dinner in her freshly purchased vintage cauldron, Steve. Eat hearty, kids! :D



Isaac: I HAVE TO EAT WHAT?! O_O
Seamus: DAMMIT She's all evil and diabolical now and she's STILL hot. *tantrum*
Harry: *x-ray visioning* Wow, Dad's still pretty damn buff under those clothes, especially for an old bloke.



Hamburger HOMEWORK HELPERS! Oh wow, someone liberated Ishmael from the fire pole after all. He looks COMPLETELY unscathed and hasn't alerted anyone to the fact that his brother is a homicidal maniac taking his cues from Willy Wonka.

I guess if you were a sim and your brother was engaging in candy related crimes you wouldn't say much either... The police only care if you adopted kittens or are breaking and entering a premesis not your own. And even then only if you're wearing cliche thief garb. If you're a townie stealing a gnome or helping yourself to the fridge/bath then they don't bat an eyelid and sit around in their invisible police station eating cake.

A sudden, horrid death (or a protracted death involving not freezing to death and providing passing skunks with crotch bling) don't even register on SimPolice's radars.



Isis just wanted to let you know that she was still achingly adorable.



ESPECIALLY when sleepy! Awwww, Isis' back of wrist + right eyeball = OTP!



ISIS TRANSITIONED! AND LOOKS LIKE A MAN!



No, seriously honey, you look like your brothers. What is going on here? I see you transitioned to red, just to gang up further on poor Ishmael.

THAT'S RACIST, ISIS!



See? Now you've reduced him to afking to cry in a corner. LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE DONE. I hope you're happy, Isis.



A flashback to more cuddly, familiar time before Isis was even a twinkle in her evil witch mother's eye and Isaac hadn't decided his brother must die?

They were so adorable. *sniff* My how times change...



HEY EVERYONE! CHECK OUT GARDENIA'S BUTTCRACK WHILE SHE ENTERS CARMEN'S SECRET ROOM! :D

That is not a dirty metaphor for anything! Or it could be. I'd let Carmen decide... *quakes and not quacks in boots*




Harry is complacent with his evil witch wife and decides to pash up this random professor chick. Her name will now be Professor Chickendrumstick™, because apparently Harry thinks she is THAT tasty.



Innocent photograph of Harry sitting in the family's people mover looking all sweet and.. uh.. Innocent?



NOPE! That was is foreplay face! Turned on specifically to entice and amaze Chickendrumstick™ into letting him baste her thighs whilst in the safety of the oven-like sound proofing of the van + garage. His evil spell-abusing wife will NEVER SUSPECT A THING!



Uh... So Harry isn't the smartest tool in the toolkit. But then again, neither is Carmen, so I guess he decided odds were on that servicing the services would go by under her nose unnoticed.

Her nose is always in that damn spellbook anyway. This is just a cry for help. Honest. What doesn't know wont hurt her, right?



SimESP STRIKES AGAIN! YOU'RE GONNA GET IT, AND YOU'RE GONNA GET IT HARD, HARRY.

*makes popcorn*

*pours cups of hot chocolate*

*shares marshmallows*

*watches*



GO GO CARMEN! YOU SERVE THE SMACKDOWN TO THAT LESS THAN SUCCULENT SIDE OF MEAT!

Although, you know you're a witch right? You could put some kind of evil mojo on her and that MIGHT be a little more effective on the revengeance front... Also, wth why isn't Harry feeling your rage? O_O;; Did he buy you a room full of roses? *sighs*



The boys wiggle about outdoors in the middle of the night... This can only mean... TRANSITION TIMES!



*sings some enchanted evening*

I don't know why, it just seemed fitting with the flashing lights and the witch and the crisp evening air..! See? ENCHANTING!



We interrupt our regularly scheduled transition photos to show Harry AT. IT. A. GAIN. Where the heck did he even pick this chick up from? Is he growing them in the cabbage patch out back?



MOAR FLASHBACK CHILD CUDDLING!!! Just to grow your anticipation even further! You want to see what they look like as teens?

WELL YOU CAN'T. N'YAH!

You have to enjoy this shot of times past first. Are you enjoying it?

*listens*

I can't hear you!!

ARE YOU ENJOYING IT?!?!

Okay good. ONTO THE HOE-DOWN! Uh.. I mean transition shots!



Just call him Ishmael! LOOK HE CHANGED HIS SHIRT COLOUR TO RED! Sneaky pants, you thought we'd mistake you for Isaac, didn't you? I like it. Its SLY! *congratulates*



Isaac. He's pissed. Why? Cause he hears the ladies like it.



Harry comes in to yell at the thing that's stolen his wife away from him and driven his cheating buttocks into the arms of various cold cuts.

Harry: NYERRRRRR! I HATE YOU, RED GLOWY CAULDRON..!



CauldronSteve™: *farts*

Haha, guess CauldronSteve™ doesn't like you either, Harry.



The last photo? Why its another flashback. I feel like it should be sepia and filled with soft-focus. Remember when Harry was just a doting father, and there were only two kids and Isaac was the innocent toddler favourite and there was no thoughts of death, no chicken drumsticks, no jolly green giants and the only turkey basting going on was between Harry's baster and Carmen's welcoming turkey?

Oh yeah, that was just the start of this update. HA!

NEXT TIME: I RELINQUISH YOU BACK TO THE WELCOMING ARMS OF simsforaranya. I bet you're sighing the largest sigh of relief you've ever exhaled in your entire life now, eh?

This is bondchick_nett, signing off! *licks you*